Untitled

Well this blog certainly would make much more sense if I had organized my thoughts and feelings beforehand, but I feel I must vent now or explode at an entirely unwanted time.

I titled this "untitled" simply because I cannot put one title on all the emotions and thoughts that are flowing in my mind. So I figured, 'why give it a title at all?'

I of course know and understand that a huge part of the stress in my life is a direct result of being seventeen years old. OK, I get that part.

I also understand that I am not the first or last senior in high school to be totally freaked out and unprepared (or not prepared at all in my situation) for life after high school.
I know what I want to do when I get to "school" but I have no idea how I will get there. And no I'm not talking about transportation folks, I'm talking about financial issues, grades, scholarships, opportunities, the whole nine yards.
Basically, I have done nothing whatsoever to prepare myself for anything after High School. I have yet to take my SAT or ACT, I haven't filled out my Fafsa, and I haven't done any real research on colleges.

I know that I do not want to go far away for my education because so much of my life is here, and I'm not mentally ready to go some place so far that I would have to live on campus. That is why I have been researching Coker College so much. It is close by to everyone and everything that I know, and have ever known.
So that sounds great right? Wrong. After getting excited about that possibility, I come to the sad truth: 'I have no money to pay for this!' then I remember, 'oh yeah, that is why I filled out a fafsa to see what kind of scholarships and money I can get my hands on' then I remember 'wait, no, I didn't do that because I didn't have the necessary parental guidance on that topic' then I think 'well I can still apply and see what happens' but then I remember 'wait, you haven't taken the SAT or ACT you can't apply without that. So in my head, it's all just a jumbled up mess and on top of those things, I have other problems too.
Those of course being the more personal problems, but hell, I'll share those too.

So like I mentioned earlier, I know what I want to do when I get to school; and that happens to be Photography.
Yes, I know, I know, I've been saying since ninth grade that I wanted to become a graphics design artist, but towards the end of the 2007 summer and beginning of the 2007-2008 school year, I realized I have no passion for that subject anymore. It scared me, and stressed me out to the point of tears on many different occasions.
So I dropped it. I still do occasional pieces for my own satisfaction and I'm OK with that.

I have always had a fascination for photography, a good photo has always grabbed my attention even when I was a young girl.
Growing up, I had a fair appreciation for the world around me. Looking back now, I realize that I felt different feelings depending on the weather, the color of the sky, the warmth of the sun, and as a young child, I subconsciously made myself remember how things looked and felt when I had those feelings so I could look out for them at a later time and perhaps relive those feelings. I still remember them to this day.

So the past two and a half years I consider my "numb" years. I felt nothing always. I had the basic emotions; happy, sad, angry (very angry at times) excited, tearful...the list goes on. As far as the real feelings I felt, I did not feel them the way that I used to. I could look at a beautiful sunset, but I could not see it or feel it for what it really was. I felt cold all the time and I am excited to say that my "numb" years are finally wearing off. I find myself looking at the sky more often than not, I see all the colors and not only do I see them I can feel them too, and it is an amazing feeling.

With that said, I basically want to capture all of those feelings I feel into a photograph and be able to share them with other people. I strongly believe in the saying "actions speak louder than words" I feel like I can make a positive difference in peoples lives with the work that I could do.

So as you can clearly see, I just might have all the emotion, dedication, and drive to become an excellent photographer someday, the only thing I lack is the education and experience. I realized towards the end of the 2007 summer (around the time that I lost interest in graphics designing) that photography might be the thing for me. So i experimented and tried different things with my little point and shoot polariod. I started to get excited. I saw so many different "photo opportunities" (as I like to call them) but I was unable to capture them the way my mind saw it, simply because I didn't know the basics of photography. However that did not stop me. I budgeted and made sacrifices for a couple of months and finally saved up for a camera I had my eye on for a while. The Nikon D40. It really is a beautiful thing, but I find it so complex. I am hoping to get a book to help me understand it better, then from there, it's all about photography.

I'm getting so excited just sharing with you how I feel about the whole thing. But that is where there are some complications.
I work three days a week and on the days that I do not work, I have to babysit my youngest brother. so where does that leave time for experimental photography? umm...none. I feel suffocated every time I go to stay at my mother's house in town. I love her so much, but I'm afraid I just do not see her like I used to. I mean, how can I? Both of my parents work constantly just to keep us all going and they're not even together. Divorce can totally throw things out of whack. It's not her fault she works such long hours, and that is why I do not blame her at all for it. I admire her for what she has done with her life, it really is something to envy. I just regret not having her there when I need her the most.
My father has been working in Seattle for the past four months or so and only coming home every couple of months for one week visits. Thats not enough time for anything. I miss him so much.

So those are just some of the bigger problems/emotions that are weighing on me right now. Mainly it's the college issue, but somehow I know that will all work out in the end. My parents won't let me hang. I know I have a promising future ahead of me, that is why I try not to freak out every time I think about it.

As for photography, I'm not going to let me, or anyone else try and talk me out of it. I have a talent, I just need practice. I feel things when I take pictures and I love it, I don't feel pressured, I feel...free. I feel like all of my bundled up energy surges through my fingertips every time I take a shot. Sometimes the results suck, but sometimes, I can capture something beautiful. I certainly have too much to learn in one lifetime, so that definitely leaves room for all kinds of possibilities and I am excited to see what my possibilities are going to be.
Love. peace.
~Hannah