I wish things wouldn't change sometimes. It gets harder and harder each day to accept the new life that is slowly becoming my own. I don't like it, I don't like where it's heading sometimes, partly because I'm not exactly sure where it is going.
I just know that the friends in my life have slowly faded away. Into some sort of blur. An old memory. I suppose the ones that have stuck by my side are the ones that I need to be counting my blessing for; but those aren't even a handful of people. I'm the type of person that needs people in my life, I long to be loved and accepted.
I never really have learned how to handle rejection from people. I feel as if I must please so many people, and if I don't, I have failed.
I had so many friends, or at least it seemed that way. But my senior year has proven to me that only about three people have stuck by me thus far.
I do not intend to intentionally mention names in my blogs so I will not name those few people thanks.
However, I will admit that sometimes It's good to have your "breaks" from certain people time to time, but when you have no one else to fall back on, or really talk to, you can feel quite alone in the world.
I miss how things used to be, even when my home life was being shaken like a paint can, I always had a wonderful group of friends to count on when I got away from home. Now, things have settled down to an OK state at my home, but my group of friends have fallen apart and we are all no longer who we used to be and I am saddened by this and reminded of it daily.
I think some of them have found me a reasonable person to blame for this. Although none have come out and said it, sometimes actions can speak louder than words and that hurts.
I hate to speak hypothetically to my readers because I understand it might be hard to follow. But I cannot risk saying names.
I don't want more problems in my life. I have enough as it is.
It's funny, I never believed my parents when they told me that growing up was hard. Somehow I always thought it would be a breeze. I suppose I am beginning to realize just how wrong I was...
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It sucks, totally, when the things we count on fall apart. But one thing I have learned, and trust me, I have been through this too, is that as uncomfortable as change is, it is THE ONLY THING WE CAN COUNT ON IN THIS LIFE. HAving said that, let me point out the joy of this very thing. When one thing falls apart, something else will come together. When one window shuts, a door will open. When one person leaves, another person appears. When one opportunity passes, another comes along. When one thing ends, there is a new beginning. The real key to dealing with change is knowing and accepting it for it's reality. Once you accept that is has happened, you can grieve the loss of whatever it is that has changed, honor that loss, and then open your heart, your mind and your soul to welcome whatever new thing comes along. No matter how painful it is that things change, I would just die of absolute boredome and sadness if things always stayed the same. what if the sun never sat? What if the rain never ended? what if it stayed the same temp all the time? It's why we buy new clothes, cut and color our hair, discover new talents, new tastes, etc. It's exactly what you wrote about in your most recent blog. The JOY, the PURE BLISS of KNOWING with absolutely certainty that the creativity, the spark, the change WILL COME!!! Perfection? no, but NEVER boring! U r my Heart.
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